ON TRANSCENDING BULLYING AND BODY DYSMORPHIA

HEALING THE "INNER CHILD"
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So I found this photo of mine taken in 2008. In college, I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa...

Looking back, I was so skinny here, but at the time, I really thought that I was "fat" because photographers and agents told me so. I was always told to "lose weight".
I was so insecure about myself because I was a fat kid.
Araw-araw, tawag saken ng mga kalaro ko nung bata pa ko, "baboy" daw ako.

When I was 18, each and everyday,
I measured my waist and hips, and checked myself on the weighing scale
so that I would know if I was eating "too much".
I even obsessed about the nutritional labels in the crackers I ate.
I starved myself and drank 4 cups of coffee a day instead just to "feel alive".
I did 1hr cardio every morning and 2hrs weight lifting at night.

Sanay na ako sa araw araw nasasabihan ng
"ay tumaba ka",
"you're a fake beauty",
at kung anu-ano pang mga panlalait.

One of my guy classmates in college even told me,
"meron bang model na mataba?!?" when I mentioned that I was going to casting calls.

Well, what can I say,
"I ate ad hominems for breakfast."

I was wondering why I had to experience bullying and suffer from body dysmorphia.
I was a victim, but I had also been a "villain".

Underneath the "egoistic" facade, there was a wounded fat kid within.

Astrologically, I had my Moon conjunct South Node in Leo, square my Pluto conjunct Lilith in Scorpio,
which has the theme of power struggles, ego death and transformation, etc.

It took lots of shadow work to overcome these negative thoughts
about my body and release the hatred I have towards people.

This experience was humbling and yet, it made my character stronger.

Now, 3 pregnancies and caesarean sections later, I became 40lbs overweight,
still healing from hypothyroidism and diastasis recti, I am doing medication and therapy for them.

Ironically, I feel more confident about who I am now compared to before.

But here's one thing I know:

The fat kid me,
the skinny model me,
the overweight mom me 

they are all equally beautiful in their own ways.

They are all me - always evolving, growing, and improving in this rollercoaster ride of my present incarnation.

It is about time that we stop putting our power in other people's hands, and start giving love to our selves.

Give your body the appreciation, love, care, and gratefulness that it deserves.

- K.E.R.
June 13, 2022
3:51am
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#SelfLove #Throwback #Acceptance